Pregnant After PPD: What It Looks Like This Time

When it comes to motherhood, I’m not the normal statistic.

I’ve grown and labored and birthed three children in the past six years. And three out of three postpartums, I’ve had PPD {postpartum depression} and/or PPA {postpartum anxiety}. I’ve also experienced prenatal depression during two pregnancies.

And now, I’m pregnant again.

In fact, I’m almost to the end of pregnancy number four — I’m 34 weeks — and I’d love to tell you that this time around, I’ve felt great and happy and glowing…buuut, no. Make that a big, fat nope.

A very surprise pregnancy {read: we had prayerfully discerned that this was most definitely not the year to add a fourth baby to the family because of my health issues}, immediately followed by a Lyme disease diagnosis, intense morning sickness and exhaustion, and continually struggling to just run the house and take care of the kids — all of it together has triggered my depression and anxiety countless times over the past eight months.

But that’s not the worst of it.

I know what’s coming. I know what postpartum can be like.

The sleepless nights, the long days taking care of a newborn and other littles, the colicky cries that won’t be soothed for hours on end, the growing pains of becoming a family of six, the overwhelming feelings of trying to wear all the hats — wife, homemaker, mama, chauffeur, chef, playmate — and the looming possibility of the return of PPD and PPA.

But there can be so much more to postpartum than that. There’s also the precious newborn snuggles, the feeling of the baby’s soft breath on my chest, the  endless gazing at every feature of her face, the falling in love with a new and irreplaceable member of our family.

So right now, in the final stretch, I’m choosing to focus on the joys of postpartum.

And, because this time I want to postpartum like a boss, I’m making my first ever postpartum survival plan.

This time, I’m not going to just wing it after I get back from the hospital.

This time, I’m being proactive. This time, I’m going to take the postpartum bull by the horns.

And if a postpartum mood disorder finds me again, this time it won’t be because I didn’t fight like a mama bear for a healthy, happy transition.

Here’s my plan:

{And by the way, having a postpartum plan is not just for those of us who’ve been hit with PPD in the past! I really believe that every mom should do this, to some degree, for every baby. Having a baby is a really big adjustment, whether you’re a seasoned mom or a newbie.}

Pray

First things first.

This might seem like a no-brainer, but sometimes I forget to pray about my labor, delivery, and postpartum. I mean really pray. Like with all the strength and determination of the the Canaanite woman who begged Jesus for the scraps from His table. 

So I’ve started bringing my fears to Him. I’ve started pleading with Him to spare me the anguish of another horrific postpartum. And I’m asking Him to help me to trust Him, even if the darkness comes again.

Gathering my support circle

For the past year, I’ve been very open about my depression — I’ve talked about it freely with my husband and immediate family and close friends. And so they all know that PPD is a real possibility for me after Baby #4 arrives next month.

Because my husband is aware of my history and my current struggles, he and I are on the same page as far as making a plan of action. He’s been able to save up a good bit of his paid vacation days, so that he’ll be able to take two weeks off after the baby is born.

What’s more, he and I have already discussed in detail my postpartum needs, and how he can best help me. He knows that I need to just spend time resting and nursing and sleeping and bonding with the baby, without any responsibilities for the housework, cooking, or parenting the other kids. And because he’s amazing, he’s ok with this and wants to meet this need for me. {hashtag he’s a keeper}

I’ve also discussed my plans with my parents {who live just a mile from us}, so they will know what to expect in the weeks following the birth.

Finally, I’ve told my gynecologist — who was trained by the Paul VI Institute in progesterone therapy — about my history of perinatal mood disorders, and she and I have worked out a PPD contingency plan, if I have need of it this time around.

Knowing my triggers

Postpartum depression, like any mental illness, is a mystery in many ways, even to doctors. The pros aren’t entirely sure what causes each episode, but it’s almost always a multi-faceted affair. Faulty mechanisms in the body {like hormones out of whack}, along with outside circumstances {like sleep deprivation, grief, or stress}, combine to bring about the perfect storm. 

Each of us can also have a personal “tipping point,” something, someone, or some circumstance that really sets us on the road to disaster.

It’s taken me several years to see what really causes me to quickly spiral downwards into PPD or PPA.

My major triggers, in addition to the normal postpartum hormonal chaos, are lack of sleep, lack of personal space {I’m a major introvert}, feelings of overwhelm {like when I can’t soothe a colicky baby who’s been crying for hours}, and general messiness/visual clutter around the house {I’m also a neat-freak}.

Being aware of these triggers puts me at a big advantage over PPD and PPA, because my husband and I both know what to look out for and what to avoid {like an overly messy house, or the other kids climbing all over me or asking me to fulfill their every need}, as well as what to protect {like naps}.

Healthy meals

Another trigger for my depression is eating badly. Food and moods are totally intertwined for me — too much sugar, caffeine, dairy, and gluten really affect me negatively. So, I’ve already got a list of easy, real food meals that my husband and extended family and friends can make to help me feel as well as I can.

As I’ve written before, during our postpartum time, women are particularly vulnerable to the extreme bodily stresses of labor, breastfeeding, and very little sleep. BUT consuming a diet of real food can help mitigate some of this stress, and can also help our postpartum bodies to heal faster. And I am all about that.

One more thing

There is one other thing I’m doing this time around.

I am trying not to push myself too hard before D-Day. I’m trying to nap every day, not to overdo it on the cleaning and nesting, and making sure to take lots of time for things I enjoy {like blogging and reading}.

Why is this important? I think for me, it means that my reserves aren’t completely tapped before I head into labor and sleepless nights. It means that I’m giving myself an extra dose of TLC now, in the hopes that I’ll benefit from it postpartum. Will it work? I’ll let you know. 😉

So now you’re caught up on the postpartum plans for Baby Borja #4. T-minus five weeks and counting.

Truthfully, I’m pretty fearful about labor, delivery, and the weeks following.

But I keep repeating this quote from St. Joan of Arc:

I am not afraid. I was born to do this.

May God help me to do what I was made for.

I’d love to know — do you make a postpartum plan for after delivery? What are some things that you would add?